By Aswad Walker
So much of relationship talk centers around divorce rates, reality TV-level drama, and Black young adults choosing to put off getting married longer than individuals from past decades – or not marrying at all.
But what of those Black couples whose love has stood the test of time, and continues to grow and glow? What lessons do these couples have for persons desirous of such a reality for themselves and their current or future life partner?
In celebration of Black love, the Defender offers a three-part series of couple interviews titled, “What’s the secret to Black Love longevity?” Recognizing that the average length of marriage for African Americans is 15.46 years, the Defender interviewed Black couples who have been together for at least 25 years to find out what works and what doesn’t when the goal is staying together. Are there secrets we need to know?
Interior designer Anita Smith says there are no secrets.
“After the beauty of the wedding, the sh*t hits the fan and it’s a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of work. But in the end, it’s all worth it,” Smith said while laughing.
Still, the Defender pushed forward with the interviews to see if Black Love OGs could share any words of advice with persons aspiring for a reality.
Here’s what Rudy and Juanita Rasmus, founding pastors of St. John’s Downtown, had to say on the matter.
When They First Met
The Rasmuses, who will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary this March, initially met at a funeral in 1983. And to let Rudy tell it, his first vision of Juanita came straight from the pages of a Hollywood script.
“I remember looking over my right shoulder, the door kind of like swung open,” recalled Rudy. “And this bright light came through the door. It was so bright that I remember thinking throughout the entire funeral, that I needed to meet her.”
At that time, the future Mrs. Rasmus, Juanita Campbell, was in the insurance and securities business.
“From that moment forward, I was trying to get a date, and she was trying to get an appointment to sell me some insurance.
“I got the date, she got the appointment,” said Rudy.
But after a few dates, there was a year of radio silence, with neither calling the other. Still, Rudy thought often of the women whose light nearly blinded him. For Juanita’s part, there was a reason she didn’t call.
“I thought to myself, ‘You know what? He is such a male chauvinist. I don’t think I can be with a guy that’s a male chauvinist. He’s nice, but I don’t think this can go anywhere,” shared Juanita.
Roughly a year later, after the family company’s Christmas party, her father asked a question that seemed almost prophetic.
“So, at the end of that party, my dad and mom and I had finished cleaning up everything. And we were just sitting talking, and my dad said, ‘Why can’t you date somebody nice like Rudy?’ The next day, Rudy called,” said Juanita.
And the rest is history.
The pair reconnected and were married within months.
From Honeymoon Phase to Lifelong Union
But connecting and getting married was just the beginning of their journey. They had to navigate that space between their relationship’s “honeymoon” phase and the lifelong union they each desired.
Juanita tapped into words her father shared with her and her sister.
“My dad told my sister and I, when we were growing up, to marry a man that’s teachable for me. What that translated to me was neither of us [Juanita and Rudy] were gonna always have everything we needed in a relationship, so be open and willing to get resources to make the relationship work,” she said.
And the pair have done just that, pledging a lifelong commitment to marriage counseling.
“In our first 18 months, we went to marriage counseling because we realized we came from two very different worlds,” recalled Juanita. She thought the two had many commonalities, but not when it came to relationships and family experiences.
“It was so powerful the way our therapist said to us, what our goal was in marriage. The therapist said, ‘You come from a round family, you come from a square family. Your job is to take the best out of the round, the best out of the square, and make a scround.’ And here we are 40 years later, still perfecting our scround”
And still getting counseling.
“Because as you enter different seasons in your marriage, you’re gonna need different things,” added Juanita.
“We never stopped seeking insight and advice as to how we could be a better couple,” stated Rudy.
Trust Deposits
Recognizing that relationships are guaranteed to bring storms, the Rasmuses have been diligent about building up between them a bank account of goodwill to survive those times.
“Here’s what Rudy always says: We are building an account of trust. You make deposits in pennies. It’s in the little things. It’s when you say, ‘I’m gonna be home at six,’ you’re at home at six. When you say, ‘We’re gonna do X, Y, Z,’ we do X, Y, Z unless we’ve discussed it and decided to do otherwise. So, we build trust in pennies, but we make withdrawals in dollars,” said Juanita.
She explained, those withdrawals often come at critical, make-or-break moments in a relationship.
The Rasmuses’ advice: recognize that those withdrawals will “cost” the relationship. So, you have to ask the question, “Are we willing to pay the price for whatever this thing is?”
The couple used as an example, Juanita’s major depressive episode in 1999.
“I couldn’t get out bed, I could not be a wife, I could not be a mother. I certainly couldn’t be a pastor. And it was in those days that I was taking big chunks of deposits out of our account because Rudy was having to care for me. He was having to care for our kids. He was having to manage a church, and all of that cost our relationship and cost him. He was willing to pay that price. But not everyone is. I’m a cancer survivor, and it was amazing to me to hear how many women end up getting a divorce because their partner can’t handle their illness. That blew me away.
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