By Genoa Barrow
A number of experts from across the country participated in a virtual panel discussion, “Breathing Between Burdens: Fatherhood and Black Grief,” in which they discussed the complexities of grief and offered coping mechanisms to use around Father’s Day and beyond.
Hosted by the San Francisco-based nonprofit Reimagine, panelists included author and University of Missouri-Columbia Professor Dr. Tashel C. Bordere; Men to Heal founder James Harris; and Atlanta-based Pastor John Onwuchekwa. The session was moderated by Chicago-based broadcast journalist Jasmine Minor, who lost her father, a firefighter, in a 2023 swimming accident. Harris, who lost his father when he was 5, has discussed beginning counseling at age 8 upon being placed in foster care. He found the therapy sessions unengaging, unfulfilling and lacking cultural competence.
Father’s Day and Mother’s Day have passed, but just because the greeting cards are boxed up for now doesn’t mean one’s emotions can be put away as easily. Here are some key takeaways from participating panelists:
Redefine Grief’s Duration
Instead of seeing grief as a journey with a definitive end, understand that it has a start but not an earthly end. The focus should be on finding connection and curing loneliness within the grief, rather than trying to “move past” it.
Utilize Non-Traditional Therapeutic Outlets
Beyond just talking, engage in physical activities such as walking, which can help unlock thoughts, and creative expressions such as art, film, music, or poetry. These can provide a way to process emotions when spoken words are difficult to find.
Practice Self-Care And Mindfulness
Implement therapeutic self-care practices such as aromatherapy, baths, yoga, meditation, or simply sitting and breathing. These accessible methods help process grief and give grace to oneself to explore different coping mechanisms.
Set Proactive Boundaries For Sensitive Times
For holidays or events that trigger grief, prepare in advance by setting boundaries. This might involve deciding not to go into certain stores, changing how you manage public spaces, or creating new, life-focused rituals (e.g., cooking a loved one’s favorite meal) to honor the person.
Acknowledge And Name Ambiguous Losses
Recognize that grief isn’t solely tied to physical death. Name and validate ambiguous losses such as the emotional absence of a living person (e.g., due to dementia), the end of a marriage, or job loss. These “deaths without funerals” impact the brain and body similarly to tangible losses and require processing.
Express Unresolved Feelings Through Symbolic Actions
For grief related to strained or unreconciled relationships, allow yourself to feel complex emotions. Consider writing letters to the deceased person to express what was unsaid or what was missed, even if the letter is never sent. This helps to process “secondary losses” and unmet expectations.
Normalize And Create Space For Grief
Understand that society often avoids death and loss, which can make grieving harder. It’s crucial to normalize grief and acknowledge that there’s no “crazy” way to feel it. For marginalized communities, especially, recognizing the historical suppression of grief can help in creating safe spaces for expression.
Cherish Present Relationships And Address Underlying Issues
Recognize that the loss of a loved one can bring other unresolved relational issues to the surface. Use this moment to heal and deal with suppressed issues, fostering better, stronger relationships with those who are still present in your life.
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